When Glaciers Attack -- The World that Might Have Been
Al Gore appeared last weekend on 'Saturday Night Live.' In the show's alternate reality, here's the speech he gave.
By Al Gore
"Good evening, my fellow Americans.
"In 2000 when you overwhelmingly made
the decision to elect me as your 43rd
president, I knew the road ahead would
be difficult. We have accomplished so
much, yet challenges lie ahead.
"In the last six years we have been able
to stop global warming. No one could
have predicted the negative results of
this. Glaciers that once were melting
are now on the attack.
"As you know, these renegade glaciers
have already captured parts of upper
Michigan and northern Maine, but I
assure you: We will not let the glaciers
win.
"Right now, in the second week of May
2006, we are facing perhaps the worst
gas crisis in history.
"We have way too much gasoline. Gas is
down to $0.19 a gallon and the oil
companies are hurting.
"I know that I am partly to blame by
insisting that cars run on trash.
"I am therefore proposing a federal
bailout to our oil companies because --
hey, if it were the other way around,
you know the oil companies would help us.
"On a positive note, we worked hard to
save welfare, fix Social Security and of
course provide the free universal health
care we all enjoy today.
"But all this came at a high cost. As I
speak, the gigantic national budget
surplus is down to a perilously low $11
trillion.
"And don't get any ideas. That money is
staying in the very successful lockbox.
We're not touching it.
"Of course, we could give economic aid
to China, or lend money to the Saudis
... again.
"But right now we're already so loved by
everyone in the world that American
tourists can't even go over to Europe
anymore ... without getting hugged.
"There are some of you that want to
spend our money on some made-up war. To
you I say: what part of "lockbox" don't
you understand? ...
"As for immigration, solving that came
at a heavy cost, and I personally regret
the loss of California. However, the new
Mexifornian economy is strong and El
Presidente Schwarznegger is doing a
great job.
"There have been some setbacks. ...
Baseball, our national pastime, still
lies under the shadow of steroid
accusations. But I have faith in
baseball commissioner George W. Bush
when he says, 'We will find the steroid
users if we have to tap every phone in
America!'
"In 2001 when I came into office, our
national security was the most important
issue. The threat of terrorism was real.
"Who knew that six years later,
Afghanistan would be the most popular
spring break destination? Or that Six
Flags Tehran is the fastest growing
amusement park in the Middle East?
"And the scariest thing we Americans
have to fear is ... Live From New York,
it's Saturday Night!"
